I’m Nell, and I’m a vegetarian. If that sounds like a guilty confession – it isn’t. But I certainly have been judged for it in the past, even though I try not to mention it very often. Today I read a silly and funny article on ‘the six kinds of vegetarian’ – I chuckled at some of the recognisable stereotypes, but I also felt a bit sad. Why is it so hard to find an article about vegetarians that doesn’t make fun of them??
Then I realised that one easy (and childish) way to make myself feel better would be to write a silly riposte – the six kinds of meat-eaters. It’s completely evidence-based (my own personal evidence, that is). Here goes…
- The Angry Tyrannosaur – severely and personally offended by the existence of vegetarians. Often heard to shout things like ‘humans were DESIGNED to eat meat you hemp-sandal wearing morons’. Except we really weren’t. And I don’t wear hemp sandals.
- The Dinner-Party Ethics Professor – secretly threatened by vegetarians who think that eating meat is morally wrong, they’ll try to start an argument with you about how if everyone went veggie ‘then all cows would be left to die so you’d be responsible for millions of animal deaths.’ Erm, ok. But slaughtering and eating them is fine?
- The Un-Repentant Predator – eats meat, has no problem with it. Thinks animals aren’t as important as humans, making them fair game (literally). Is sad for vegetarians because they’re missing out on totally awesome steaks.
- The Selective Carnivore – doesn’t eat red meat. Usually fairly sensible, but may occasionally be heard to state that they ‘don’t eat anything with a face’. Except fish. Oh and chickens. What they really mean is they don’t eat anything cute.
- The Confused Animal-lover – would like to be vegetarian but can’t quite tear themselves away from meat. May rely on ‘ethically sourced’ produce (except when they just can’t be bothered/are at a really nice restaurant/got drunk and wanted a kebab).
- The ‘Vegetarian’ – if you eat chicken or fish, YOU’RE NOT A VEGETARIAN. This is a simple matter of the definition of the word. Buy a dictionary and get over yourself.